This is what you should do

I chose this topic tonight, because I have been hearing it a LOT as of lately. What you should do, or what shouldnt you do. I get them a lot, both. I find it quite funny that everyone always has their own issues, but they always know what would make your life easier.

I will give you an example:
You should give up the internet, and get a real life... I admit this may need a little work, maybe I should spend less time on the internet, but give up the internet, it is like asking me to cut out my heart, because I have so many friends that I care about, and who in return care for me. And also, aren't you supposed to do what makes you happiest in life (so long as it isnt endangering anyone else's life)?

Another example:
You should get a job. Yes, I am working on that right now, It might help my outlook on life, bringin in some money, being able to contribute more than I am now around the house. But one thing that a lot of people dont seem to understand, that this country is so messed up right now. Let me explain... I am getting county assistance, through the government, to help me with my medical expenses. I am not physically, or mentally able to handle a full time job in order to recieve medical benefits. In order to keep my benefits through the county, I can not make X amount of money or work X amount of hours. And trust me, they are not very high allowances. So I am better off right now, trying to get healthy, build up my immune system, and work through my few issues, and then when I am fully recooped going and looking for a part time job to start with.

I think honestly though, that people are trying to motivate me to do better for myself. Which I greatly appreciate, but for myself, at least at this time, it only makes it worse for me. When people tell me what I should or shouldnt be doing and I am not very able to achieve what everyone thinks I ought to be doing, it makes me extremely more depressed, and not care even more.

I am the type of person, and I am not sure why, but I have been this way for as long as I can remember. The more that you push me to do something or nag me about doing something, the less likely I am to get it done, on your terms. Maybe it is a little bit of rebellion. I will give you a perfect example: When I used to live with Bob, when I lived in Erie, he would ask me to do the dishes. I really dont like doing them at all, but we would get into fight after fight about this issue. I used to tell him all the time, leave me alone and I will get them done. So when he would back off about it, I would usually get in a mood to do them, then as soon as he would get on my case again, I would back off again. This happens to me often. I do not like to be told what to do, or be bugged about things often, it doesnt make me work faster, it makes me say when I am ready I will do it, on MY terms not yours.

One thing that has been bothering me, is my mother, not that SHE bothers me, it is that my family feel that I need to take care of my mother. I admit that I want to help my mother and would never want to leave her in her time of need. but come on people, how can I help my mother if I cant even help myself at this point. also, as much as I love my mother, she does need to learn how to stand on her own 2 feet, just like anyone else. My mother has always had someone to help her, her parents and then went right from home to being married to my father. Now for the first time in 40 some years she is more alone than in her entire life. now her children are growing up, the youngest is now an adult and going to be going to school. Her oldest is married and has 2 children and 1 on the way. and her middle child (me) is "just sitting at home on the internet doing nothing" I try to help out as much as I possibly can, physically, and I try my hardest to be an emotional crutch for my mother, which isnt always the easiest thing in the world, (for those that know me I am a depressant, multiply that times like 3 and that is my mother).

She never looks at the good things that happen, and when she does look at the good it is always in the context of "well things are going good right now, whats gonna happen bad now? it cant last, somethings gotta go wrong" It is very hard sometimes to be positive and happy (even on happy pills) when I am around my mother all the time. Please do not get me wrong, I love my mother with all my heart, I never want to loose her, and I know one day I will, and that day will be very traumatic and depressing for me. I dread the day I loose my mother, because even through her depressiveness, she is my hero. I know what she has been through, and she is trying to push through, and she would give the shirt off her back for anyone, always giving you MORE than fair chances. She would never do anything to hurt anyone, but has been hurt very deeply and badly in the past.

But I am having a huge battle within myself. A huge part of me feels that I will spend the rest of my life together, like Miss Kitty and Joyce (old neighbors who are mother and daughter lived together forever, never away from eachother). Part of me is comforted by this, because I know that no one could love me more than my mother. But another part of me, wants to move on, get married, have children if God wills it. Which brings up another point to my attention.

I am tired of trying to meet people online mostly (the only way I meet anyone now a days cuz Im a "looser") who down me because I do live with my mother at the age of 22. What is so wrong with that, I am not married, I dont even have a significant other anymore. In the old days, children stayed with their parents until they got married anyways, or moved off to college, which I did, and finished, thank you very much. Now I am back home, and it is like I am a huge looser for living at home with parents and not on my own. I did for 3 years when I lived in Erie. And other than when I had my bf move in with me, I wouldnt have been able to do it alone anyways.

Okay sorry for that side trip, but I thought of something else, which was all that stuff up there^^

I love this one, people will tell me I need to open up, talk more about my feelings... so when I do, I get told to shut up or not to feel that way.. now I ask this, who has the right to tell anyone how they should feel, or why they should or shouldnt feel that way? I do not possess that right, nor do I feel anyone else does. Either that or I will get this one, "you need to care about yourself, worry about yourself, dont care about what others think" okay fine, but then why when you start to do that, you are called selfish???

I had an interesting night tonight, and it made me realize a few things:
1.) I talk too much- I was at an old friends house whom I havent seen since new years, and so I felt the need to update her on my craziness life. I got quite a few comments that I *always* have a story, or that I am *always* talking. It kind of hurt in a way, because why then do they ask what is new with you, if they really dont care to hear it anyways? I guess maybe I just need to find a happy medium or figure out, okay talk about this, dont talk about that, dont go into that much detail they dont really care anyways, or this needs a little too much detail, oh wait, shouldnt have talked about that, and the whole time you are thinking about this, you are not enjoying your visit.

2.) Times change- This friend is actually my best friends mother. I have had this friend since preschool. Her mother became my mother as well, have called her mommy for years! Well since her oldest daughter is now married, and lives in Erie, with her husband and his son. And my best friend of many many years now resides in Alaska, yeah not a trip up the road. And really doesnt have any intentions on moving back only visits for christmas now. It is very hard to feel like part of this family anymore. I still love them very much, but times change, people change. I definately have changed since high school. my other friend and I who are also best friends since like 8th grade. She was giving me a ride home and we discuss this quite often as a matter of fact. how much things have changed. But I guess we cant live in the past, as I am working hard to try not to do that as much, sometimes it is hard tho.

Well I guess I am sort of at a writer's block, I cant think of anything else that might go with this post, so until I think of another topic, I will sign off. oh, and I May or may not post some of my old poetry that I used to write. not sure tho, it is a little more dark than light and fluffy. ah well, til next time, take care

Donna~