Mega Rant and Rave:

Okay I want to appologize early, I know what is going through my head right now. It is not nice, at all. I feel like I am going to literally explode. I have a very short fuse, and I feel someone is comming near me with a lighter. But I feel a need to get this off my chest, without blowing up at anyone in particular. I will try to calm myself down.

Basically, what started the whole thing was this, I have been bleeding since april 18th, of this year. I FINALLY finished last friday which was July 25th. Then the following day, started having cramps. This scares me because, I have learned how to read my body, most people do not believe me, but I can give you a few references, if you wish to know that I am not lying. If I start my period (sorry guys, I know you dont wanna hear this, then dont read it) without cramps, then my period will last anywhere from 40 days-7 months. my 7 month period was in 06, when I got diagnosed with a lotta different things, to this day I am still not sure what all I do have, could possibly have, or dont have. whatever, not the point of this post. If however I get cramps, it will usually happen within a week before I start my period. It will be usually very painful, but obviously livable. But it will go throughout the entire period of usually 7-10 days, which to a lot of people is still a very long period, for me it is a blessing! Even tho I did get cramps for this one, meaning 7-10 day period, it is the fact that it is only a week from my last 3.5 month period. My body did not have any time to recooperate.

So today, I am going to my stepbrothers graduation. He graduated the same time as my little sister. Anyways, I go to the bathroom guess who is here again, so that really upsets me to begin with. Then I totally feel like a 3rd or 5th wheel, because my little sister has Mike, then my stepbrother Mike (2 different mikes) has ashley. They are the ones who I hung out with most of the day, everyone had a partner or even just a friend to hang out with themselves. But this didnt bother me that entirely bad, I am kinda used to not being around the same age as people I am around. In both my families, (mothers side and fathers side) I dont have anyone around my age to hang out with.

I have to admit that I did have a pretty good day other than the cramps, and then we walked up to route 68 to put up balloons, and on the way back down the hill my hip popped outta place. This actually happens often but it hurts real bad, and usually takes like 3-4 days to work itself back in. I have only ever had 1 person be able to put it back in place. So now I have cramps, no energy (from being enemic) and a popped out hip.

I am tired of hearing that I am getting fat, I hate looking at myself in the mirror and seeing how fat I am becomming. I am honestly not eating enough to get fat, it is the medications I am taking. Which is another thing that is ticking me off, they dont seem to be helping much, because my freaking doctor doesnt see a need for me to be on an anti-depressant. He feels that a mood stabilizer should be good enough. Well it isnt working, I think I was better off without the medication, other than I couldnt sleep ever. with this medication, I can sleep, as a matter of fact the problem isnt getting to sleep it is waking up within 10 hours after taking it. I have tried taking lower doses than prescribed for me (which they tell you not to do that) but I had to find out for myself, I get the same effect. So for me, if I know that I have to be awake early the next morning, I do not take my medication and then I stay awake all night. I dont want to depend on a drug to "make me happy, or even let me sleep".

I just feel so totally trapped right now and dont know how to dig myself outta this mess. I am tired of crying to people. I am not looking for sympathy or pity. I just need to let my feelings out, and get it off my chest. and hope that maybe I will feel better. I need to feel something, right now, even though I am so enraged, I am numb. I need to feel something, anything. Unfortunately this is when I usually resort to drinking. I am working real hard at not drinking when feeling depressed like this. Alcohol is a depressant, and especially when I am already depressed, dont think it would help anything, and I dont think I have enough alcohol right now that would actually get the job done, I would just end up getting real sick again. Then feeling more misearable for the next few days.

I think I am going to end this now, before I talk about things I would rather not talk about. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. but I have a feeling I am going to flip tomorrow. because I am going to erie with an ex bf. who wants to get back together with me, and I have NO intentions of getting back with him. it didnt work the first time, I dont know why he thinks it will this time, or maybe he doesnt want a relationship, he just thinks he can get a cheap piece of ass, I am not that way. and I am gonna flip if he tries to touch me again. I dont mind being friends even after he broke up with valentines day, but friends dont get benefits!!!!

I think there is a sign on my forehead or maybe my back cuz I cant see it, but apparently there is something that says that I am easy or whatever, because my entire life I have been taken advantage of or used. I am NOT gonna let it happen anymore. I am just gonna freak or explode.

Goodnight