Okay.. try to keep the separated

I have decided to give Lydia her own space. She now has her own blog that she will keep updated herself. Yes with that comes a few complications. I won't always be there to make sure she uses the right grammer and or punctuation and yes, it will be in Lydia-nese. If you care to get to know her better please check out her profile, and please comment as well. I know she will enjoy them! If however you can not understand her, you can always ask her or I to explain better. The link to her blog is http://lydiascornerofthegrid.blogspot.com/ and it is also listed on my sidebar under the "friends blogs" list. We both hope you will enjoy. This is also to keep our accounts separate. And to not clutter up mines with her stories. I will be posting again soon. Just a little update on things, I am waiting to get my passport should be any day now hopefully since I paid extra to get it expedited. as soon as it is in my possession we will plan the next step, purchasing the tickets. and then it is off to england I go! WOOT WOOT! I will post more on this later until then...

signing off,
Donna

A few of my Poems

I decided to write a little of my poetry.. I will warn they are not all "happy and bright". But they are my thoughts at the time of writing them. So I hope that you will enjoy them.

If You Were Here: 12-11-03

If you were here...
You would know what to do,
You would take my dark grey skies,
And turn them all blue!

If you were here...
You would know what to say,
You would talk away all my problems,
And would take them all away.

If you were here...
You would know what to see,
You would turn off the sad movies,
And turn on a funny comedy.

If you were here...
You would know what to touch,
You would reach in and touch my heart,
And not hurt it as such.

If you were here...


Heartbeat: 12-11-03

No one sees the tears
Falling from my eyes
No one hears the sound
Of the breaking of my heart

On the outside
I am happy and carefree
But on the inside
I am crumbling to the floor

Tumbling to the ground
But no one notices
No one cares
Why should they?

I sit in my room
In my own little world
Singing softly
A sad little tune

They all think I am okay
But really I am not
Everyone sees my laughter
No one sees my tears

As I hide it from the world
I sit and think of my life
Why am I apart of it?
Why did it happen to me?

I do not know
But I will try
Until I can't
And my heart can't beat anymore.


Heartache: 1-20-04

My heart bleeds with all the pain
I can not stop it, it comes just the same
I close my eyes and dreams take me away
Praying for a better and brighter day
I sit, cry and think too much
Wishing and hoping for your soft touch
I set the knife upon my wrist
And pray for the courage that I wish
For I am a coward and wish to die
Or become a bird so that I may fly
It leaves a mark that is open and bare
It hurts like hell, but I do not care
I sit here and think of what I could do
Nothing before I graduate in June
Then I can go and not worry anymore
But how will I make it, I am not sure
I have too much stuff going through my head
Especially at night, while lying in my bed


My First True Love: 3-18-04

Since the day you left me
Ive tried to hide the pain
Most the time it still shows
As I push it back and smile
If I had the chance
I would make it up to you
Though you don't seem to want me to
That hurts worse than any knife could do
All the good times we shared
Put a big smile on my face
You tell me that you still care
That you cant handle it anymore
I messed up and Ill admit
I thought our love would never die?
As I read the poem that you wrote for me
Tears fall from my eyes
But now I am trying to move on
For that is what you want
I will always love you no matter what
You will never leave my heart, mind or soul
For you were my first true love


Only A Few: 4-6-04

The sword pierces the heart
like no other object
The knife slices the wrist
and the blood slowly oozes away
The razor scrapes the skin
leaving everything bare
The rope captures the breath of life
and all the world goes black
The drug enters and kills everything
the only thing left is death
These are only a few ways to go
although most can not withstand
Now the tears fall freely
I wish I didn't show the pain
Pushing down and wiping the tears
so no one can see them


The Clock: 4-6-04

The clock is ticking
as time slowly creeps
For a moment in life
the world completely freezes
Staring out the window
I watch a bird fly high
Oh I wish I could die
The pain seeps in
and pierces the heart
My breath is taken away
as I go numb
My world goes black
The knife slips from grasping fingers.

Okay so those were a few of my poems, I have many more, but that is actually some of my better ones... maybe someday I will share my others.. not sure. if ya like them tho, lemme know. sorry if it made you feel sad. please don't feel sad. most of those feelings are not there anymore. and I am working hard on getting better. lols! so thanx for reading. will post again later...

Second Life Profile Of Lydia Ames

Okay, I have been writing a story lately, and that is why I have not been posting. I have decided to write the story of Lydia Ames. She is my character from the game called Second Life. Which I mentioned in the previous post. Most of it is fictional, and it is not complete yet, I hope to add to it as Lydia... grows??? But I guess I can't say grows.. because she is sort of stuck in a Neverland World where she doesn't have to grow up and in fact her mother has made many comments about not wanting her to grow up either. So it is Lydia's adventures of being 5 years old. And trust me, some of them are quite fun. Others lead her into mischief and trouble. Now, for those who do not know Lydia. I have translated her story so that you may understand it. When she wrote it, it is in "Lydia-nese" and most do not understand her, unless they have been around her long enough. I will save you all the trouble of this. I hope that you enjoy.

As she was sitting there brainstorming her "story" with her mother, Catriona Dagger, her mother just laughed and said it sounds very much like a twisted Lifetime Movie. *giggles* Now keep in mind, this is the creativity that a 5 year old possess, and it can be a little confusing for some. But it is a rather neat story. I did enjoy translating it just for you.

So without further ado....

This is the story of Lydia Ames character from the virtual world of Second Life.

Have you ever had the feeling that from day one things just didn't go the way they should? The way you think they should go, anyways. Yeah that is my life. What, you don't believe me? Let me just tell you a little story then. This may take a few minutes of your time, but hopefully you wont regret it. If however you do, then I apologize now. I want to tell you how I found my family, and then some of my adventures since then.

My name is Lydia Ames Dagger, and I am 5 years old now. You may think that a 5 year old doesn't have much to say about things, but then again, how well do you really know me? I am going to say that you think you might now me, but not everyone knows about how I was born. That is what I want to tell you right now. It's a long trip down the road called "Memory Lane". Now these are not all *my* memories, because let's face it, I'm just 5 years old. I don't remember a whole lot before the age of 3 and a half.

Now you might want to know, how then did I learn my story. This is where my Mommy, Catriona Dagger, comes into the story. She told me a long time ago my story because I wanted to know what happened to me before I can remember. This is my story.

My Mommy and Daddy, Andy, had tried to have a baby for a long time. So my parents decided to adopt a child named Doradiia. Then when my Mommy finally gave up trying, then something happened to her. She became pregnant with me. She said that she had a pretty rough pregnancy. First they didn't hear a heartbeat. Then they saw me on sonogram, and they saw how active I was, yes even as a small child of 12 weeks old in uterus.

My Mommy got sick a lot when she was pregnant with me and found herself dehydrated quite often and ended up in the hospital quite a few times with IVs because they feared that I wouldn't form right. But then they said that I would be okay.

Then when she was 6 months along, she started having other issues. She started bleeding really bad, so she went back to the doctors and they ran a few tests and found out that everything was okay and gave her medication to stop the bleeding.

Catriona and Andy didn't live in a great area, and the hospital wasn't the greatest either, but it was all that they had. So finally a few weeks before the expected due date, Catriona went into labor.

She grabbed Andy and they took off for the hospital. When they arrived at the hospital it was rather confusing due to the fact that there was a lot of other expectant parents. And with few doctors and nurses on call that evening they were only taking those in most need first.

Catriona was taken back quite early due to more complications. They had decided to do a c-section because I was coming out backwards. Since I was a c-section baby, my father was not allowed in the room. They had to sedate my mother and she became unconscious. They had me out and taken off to run some tests to make sure that I was alright.

Next my mother woke up, my father was allowed in the room with her, but they heard no news of my where-abouts or if I was okay. With the little to no doctors or nurses no one was able to find out at the moment and pass the messages onto them. Later the doctor finally came into the room. read over her files and had somehow got mixed up with someone Else's file. They then informed my mother of the sad news. I had passed away due to SIDS. Which is Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

Mommy was so heart broken and so was Daddy. But what else could they do but move on. Mommy got so sad for a long time and then one day she just broke down and lost it. After taking some medication she became numb to almost all emotions. She pushed everyone away and almost even my father.

Now, you might be wondering one big question. If I had died, then how is it that I am able to tell you this story. This is where it had got a little creepy. Somehow during the day of all the deliveries almost all the children born that day was mix-matched. Apparently, they didn't have a very good system going on and no one paid attention to who belonged to who.

So in all actuality I went home with another family. It turned out that 4 other families had their own children either. No one seemed to question it til about 2 years after we were all born. My new Mommy named Nalani my Daddy named Mark and I had a pretty good life. I also had an Aunt Isabel who had a daughter named Bridgette. But when I turned 1 year old, my father started getting upset with my Mommy. He was starting to wonder why I didn't look anything like him at all. I had some similarities to Mommy, but nothing to him. He questioned it a lot and by the time I was 2 years old, he demanded a DNA test.

They went and got the DNA test and then found out that I wasn't either of their child. They had no idea how this was possible, so they decided to go back to the hospital and they remembered what a very confusing day it was. They began to try to track down all the families that was present that day, and they got all but one, the one who had "lost" their baby. They felt that they had to be the only family that was correct.

They gave everyone DNA testing and everyone except me was correctly placed. One family couldn't find their child either, but I was not their child. They then realized that they needed to track down Catriona and Andy because they were the only other family there that day who had a child. They were found and brought in for DNA testing and Alas, it matched mines. Unfortunately the family that had a baby for the past 2 years now finds out that their child is the one who actually died.

Some of the families had decided to just leave things the way there was. Nalani and Mark discussed with Catriona and Andy to do the transfer. So then they had to go through the court systems and fill out all the paperwork. Now I was 3.5 years old and I am now moving to a new Mommy and Daddy. It took awhile to get used to the new family. Catriona was very stand offish at first she had still been hurt.

At first tho, it was very hard for my mother to accept me, especially because sometimes I would cry for Nalani and Mark. They were all I knew as mommy and daddy for 3.5 years of my life. One time I even tried to run away back to Nalani and Mark. When my mother found me, she was very hurt and upset because she thought that I didn't love her. I did love her very much and it was then that I realized that I wanted to be with Catriona and Andy more than Nalani and Mark. With my attempt to run away my mother put up a wall against me, so I tried to slowly break it down. I tried to give her some space with also trying to show her that my true feelings were that I loved her more than anything.

Finally tho Mommy's wall came down and she and I became very close, now inseparable. I asked a lot of questions about what had happened and learned what all my Mommy had went through and I felt very bad about everything and wished that it had never happened.

Me and Mommy

My father and I on the other hand had got extremely close from day one. We went on many adventures and saw a lot, he showed me the world. One time we went to the land of the dragons. I got to meet a few very nice ones, but at first I thought he was going to eat me, but my father saved me. He was ready to slay the dragon until we learned that his intentions were good. I got to explore the land and we found a cave.

Me and Daddy

Me and Daddy also went on many missions. We played detectives all the time. I was agent 262 and he was agent 626. We went undercover all the time exploring and saving people. One time we saved a baby pony from the mean black ninjas. They had tried to steal him to sell him to make some money. If not for us, this little pony's fate was not certain. But since we rescued him, we gave him to a very loving family who cared and loved him very much.

We laid around often and just chatted all the time, cuddling and snuggling. We did everything together. Then our family had another problem happen at the begining of the summer of my first year with Mommy and Daddy. For some reason Mommy and Daddy started to fight for whatever reasons grown ups fight for. And my parents got a divorce. Daddy started having other girl friends and Mommy started having other boyfriends. But He would always be my Daddy. At the end of summer that year we had another traumatic event happen.

He would ride his motorcycle to and from work due to gas prices being high. One night on his way home, he was rushing home because we were going to go to the movies and see the movie 'Cars'. He made a sharp turn too fast and flew off his bike and hit a tree, ending up in a coma. We didn't know for how long this was going to go on, and it was very hard. But we all accepted it and waited patiently for whatever was to happen.

Then my mommy started dating her old high school love, Jamie. At first I was extremely scared of him because he was much larger than Andy was. He also did magic that was very scary as well. He had long dark hair like Andy but he wore scary clothing. Eventually tho, we became friends and I learned to not be too scared of him. He was a lot stricter than Andy ever was tho. My Mommy fell in love with him again and things went well for awhile. Then something happened between them, but I am not too sure what all happened because it was really non of my business.

Then it was just me and mommy because Doradiia had always lived on her own. But we still got to hang out a lot with Doradiia. Mommy then started dating a man named Keifer. I didn't really like him at all, but they decided to get married anyways. I admittedly sabotaged him. Then Mommy saw how he wasn't right for our family. But I did have a lot of fun teasing and doing my magic tricks on him, turning him invisible, or trapping him while he was trying to build the house. I found it quite comical that he always got very upset with me, but I continued to do it anyways. I didn't care. And secretly Mommy and my Aunt Kat encouraged me to do it.

Now I had an Aunt Kat who was my Mommy's sister. We got really close as well. She would come over every night and babysit me while Mommy was sleeping, or working. We talked a lot about things, and we cuddled a lot as well. She rocked me to sleep and then tucked me in most every night.

Me and Aunt Kat

Then Mommy and Keifer's marriage came to an end too. He just was not the one for my Mommy and so we got rid of him, he was very hurt and kept trying to get back with Mommy, but it was never going to happen. I didn't really care for him myself as I said before. Mommy started dating Jamie again, her high school lover, and got married again. But he was never around very much, and kept making excuses as to why he wasn't able to be around. So that marriage was also short lived, Now Mommy is single again, because she deserves so much better than any of her past men have treated her.

Me and Mommy again

Now I want to tell you of a few stories about some of the adventures of me and my friend Sammy and Gordie. That is what I call them anyways. They belong to the Briggs' family. Sammy is 14 nearly 15 and Gordie is 18. They let me tag along quite often. Recently, Sammy asked me and Gordie if we wanted to go somewhere really neat. Sure! we said. She teleported us to where she was and we found ourselves in the path of an old very scary haunted house. Sammy started to go in and me and Gordie didn't much want to go, but didn't want to stay outside by ourselves. So we followed Sammy in. We walked up the stairs and entered the house. It was extremely spooky, and we were all very frightened.

Sammy then decided to do a seance, and bring some of the spirits of the house out to talk. Sammy tried to offer me as an offering to the spirits and I got so frightened that I passed out. A few moments later when I came to, Sammy had been possessed by an evil spirit of an old lady who wanted to be reunited with her earthly body and and put to rest. We had to follow this spirit around the house and do as she said to help her achieve this. Gordie did most of the tasks as I was too little to handle it. We had to go upstairs into the haunted nursery and put the jar of dragons into the cradle and kill the huge spider that protected it. Then finally Sammy was exorcised and we found our way outside the house. We left swiftly afterwards and went home.
I was very frightened for a few nights with nightmares of this experience. Sammy got into a lot of trouble for frightening me and I felt very bad for that. But now she is much more careful where to take me.

Then one time Sammy and Gordie wanted to go explore a Pirate's Sim. I was very excited to go and we played that we were from Pirates of the Caribbean. I played Captain Jack Sparrow, Sammy was Davy Jones, and Gordie was Elizabeth Swann. It was a lot of fun running around pretending, and then we got to Meet Captain Jack Sparrow, we got his autograph before he took off to swim out to sea to the Black Pearl.

That same evening we then went to a beautiful Castle and got to play princesses. We tried on a lot of dresses. I bought a new princess dress and some shoes to match. I am more of a 'tommy boy' than a dressy girl so it felt a little weird to be in a dress, but it was lots of fun because Gordie and Sammy are both 'dressy' girls.

Then I was set on going and buying a Captain Jack Sparrow costume, so Sammy and I went to the Dharma Sim for avatars and found just what we were looking for. There was a small problem, I am only like 3 feet tall, (that is as small as you can get in SL unless you are a 'potato head baby'), and the costume was made for someone who is like 7' tall, which is strangely average in world. So I had to mend the outfit to the best of my 5 year old skillz and make it fit me. Some of it was unmendable, so I just can not wear those pieces. But it is still a lot of fun to play with it.

Recently I have got to meet more of my extended family. Great Great Gramma and Great Grandpa. I call them gggma and ggpa. And also my great aunt. I was a little scared at first because I found out that they were vampires. So we made an agreement that they will not bite me, and I wont be scared of them. So far, so good. After all the family left, Mommy went on a date, so I went to play with Sammy. We went to a semi scary place. We adventured around there for awhile. I was in my Captain Jack Sparrow costume, and she pretended to be Elizabeth Swann. Then at the end of our adventure, I got too close to the edge of the water and slipped in when the bell struck. Luckily Sammy was there, she saved me. She was behaving, I have to admit that I was a little more on the mischievous side.. and she kept trying to get me to behave so that she did not find herself in trouble again.

But I guess this is all that I can write for the time being, I have no more stories.... that I care to share... *blushes* maybe sometime I will tell some of my other stories.

Signing off,
Lydia Ames Dagger

Lack of Sleep, Blackouts, Dinner and a Movie

Okay so I didnt sleep for at least 48 hours, I honestly dont remember when the last time I did sleep. I was getting extremely slap happy. Laughing at anything and everything, making jokes and being messed up. People most likely could say that I had been drunk and got away with it. The family kept telling me to go to bed, but I wasnt able to sleep, and I kept having a reason or another not to take my medication to help me sleep. Needless to say that all my days are blurred together, and I do not remember what happened what day so much. I just remember individual events.

The graduation party as mentioned in previous blog. Then I believe, the night before last... because today is now tuesday, and I actually finally got to sleep the night before, so sunday to monday if I am not mistaken. Yes that is correct because I was supposed to go out Sunday with a friend, so I did not sleep Saturday-Sunday because by the time I returned home from the graduation party it was late, and I had plans at 10 the following morning to go to Erie with a friend of mines. So I had not taken my medication (I know, bad me. But if I had taken it I would not have woken up til at least 12pm Sunday). But my friend called me at like 1140am saying that a few things had come up and that we would go later that afternoon. So in fact I would have been okay to have taken my meds the night before, but how was I to know this...

So I was going to try my hardest to take a nap. Unfortunately I feel that I am pretty dependant on my medication to aide my sleep. So this nap did not happen. Around 230pm, I get a new call from him and since we had a few family issues at the moment, and me being extremely way too tired and being in my "drunken state" without the alcohol. I decided it would not be a good idea to go today, so we decided that we would just hang out tomorrow (being monday).

Sunday night, we had a blackout, all the electricity went out in the entire trailor park. Ah, perfect time to take a nap. but since it was still early in the evening, I didnt want to take my medication, I wanted to wait til that evening to take it, so I would get to sleep during "normal" sleeping hours. So I am finally falling asleep around 830pm, and somewhere around 920ish I am rudely awaken by Mike (Danielle's boyfriend) who is jumping on the roof just above my bed, for the purpose of waking me up. Yes thank you Mike! I appreciate it. *sticks tongue out at you Mike* Now I am awake again, and still in my "drunken state" I find the family in the dark in the driveway on my futon cushion stargazing. Mike has gone inside to fetch blankets as it was getting chilly. and Danielle is getting the snackages. We are having a pretzel fight in the dark, eyes are getting poked and dog is loving the leftovers. Finally the electricity is back on around 1030pm.

At this time we all go back into the house, where everyone goes to sleep, except me. Somehow this 1 hour nap has powered me for awhile at least. So since I have electricity again, I get on my handy dandy computer and log into my favorite online passtime, Second Life. If you are not sure what that is, go here www.secondlife.com. it is a free online game that requires a download that you can find here: http://secondlife.com/support/downloads.php and a few system requirements for it to run properly and smoothly as found here: http://secondlife.com/support/sysreqs.php. luckily for me, my laptop gets by in it.

I spend some time with my Second Life Family and then finally around 530am monday morning I decide to take my medications, because I know that my friend and I are not going to be hanging out til at least after 430pm monday evening. Yes it may seem surprising to you that I would allow such a time slot to take my medication, but it has very strong sedating affects and even if I take half a dose, it has the same affects on me. I know that it will be at least 10 hours before I will wake up. Yes this is a long time, and it is very hard to try to hold a full time job or even part time job taking this medication. Unfortunately, as I believe I have said before, I am sadly dependant on this drug to aide my sleep, I cant sleep without it most of the time.

Finally Monday evening comes, it is now 530pm and I wake up, hungry and have to go to the bathroom. This is what almost always wakes me up, not just because my body feels it has had enough sleep, but because it needs something else now! So I take care of that, and check my phone for any missed calls, since my friend was supposed to be done with work at 430pm. so i call at 540ish and he picks up, he is just leaving work he will be here in about a half hour. Knowing him tho, he is almost always late as a rule, so I allot for an hour.

I had a little trouble comming out of sedation even tho it was 12 hours later, as it had not felt like that much time had gone by. So I got a shower to help with this, and it worked okay. I had to feed my ferrets Rosey and Yuri (Japanese for Lily). Then Madre needed to speak to Danielle and I outside. We discussed what is going to be happening the next few weeks as work schedules are going to be different. I am going to be picking up more hours at Stella's and a few days at Ann's. Danielle will be picking up more hours at Faye's and Ann's. A few other people are comming into Stella's because my mother cant do every single morning every single week, I am not a good morning person, unless I stay up all night. And my older sister Sandy has morning sickness. So we are going to have a few other people come in to give my mother, and I a break as we will be the main caretakers of Stella from now on, as one of our other caretakers is moving on.

I am pretty happy for the increase of hours, so that I may save for my Christmas/Birthday present to myself hopefully the begining of next year to go explore Europe with my dear friend Stuart. This is going to be by far the most expensive thing I have ever saved for and planned. Getting passport, plane tickets, packing and flying.

So during this discussion of increase of hours, my friend Tom shows up. The conversation between the 3 of us is over, and I go in get my things and we head out. We had original plans to go have dinner and a movie, but since it was getting somewhat late as it was, we decided to just go back to his place to get a bite to eat, since we had to go there to get a few things anyways. He had fixed my PC for me and it runs great, Thank you Tom, very much! *hugs* So then we had a little snack since both of us was not incredibly hungry at this point in time. Then we went and looked up movies and times. We had missed most of the showings and the very few that we could still make didnt start til 945 and they were not a wide selection of choices. So we concluded to just watch a movie "In Demand".

We decided to watch Jumper. Which is very interesting considering that it is basically a group of people that can teleport to places within seconds anywhere they wish to go. If you have not seen it I would say it is a pretty decent movie to watch. The reason I find this soo interesting is because: 1. in my favorite game Second Life the way you get around the grid is by teleporting, and 2. my family and I in Second Life were having a discussion how neat it would be if you could teleport in real life.

I felt that it would be very beneficial if there were certain rules set in place. Such as in Second Life some parcels (pieces of land) you can teleport to anywhere on the land. And in other parcels you can only teleport to a set spot called a "landing point". So for instance if you want to go to a store, there would a landing point somewhere normally near the entrance to the store. Then you would have to walk in and look around. Now some parcels you can have the landmark (which is saved in your inventory) that you can teleport to a specific spot. For instance if you have your home set so that you can teleport to anywhere on that parcel then you can have a landmark to say your bedroom, your front door, the pool, a place in the sky on a building pad.

The reason I felt it would be beneficial to be able to teleport in real life is in the instance of say a murder or something. If you find yourself in a situation you do not wish to be in, you can easily teleport out and move onto something more pleasant. My second life neice however felt that it would cause a lot of problems such as stealing from banks and stuff of that nature. And that is why I felt as long as there were certain rules set in place as to where all you could teleport to.

So we watched the movie, and after the movie I had to use the restroom again, and I became very ill and in a lot of pain. It was not til after about an half hour of being in there, and going down the stairs in agony that my friend Tom realized that I was hurting when he got me some Ibuprofile, and that was not kicking in, so then Advil. Finally it started to kick in and we left for home around 1130pm. Now I can not sleep because I only woke up a few hours ago, and I went into second life and played with a few of my dear friends. exploring and having adventures. And then I decided to download some music, and then got a creative streak and started writing blogs and posts on a few of the sites I am apart of. So now it is 930am tuesday morning and I think I might take my medication, because I am very tired, but can not sleep.

In the words of Springer "Until next time, take care of yourself, and eachother"

Mega Rant and Rave:

Okay I want to appologize early, I know what is going through my head right now. It is not nice, at all. I feel like I am going to literally explode. I have a very short fuse, and I feel someone is comming near me with a lighter. But I feel a need to get this off my chest, without blowing up at anyone in particular. I will try to calm myself down.

Basically, what started the whole thing was this, I have been bleeding since april 18th, of this year. I FINALLY finished last friday which was July 25th. Then the following day, started having cramps. This scares me because, I have learned how to read my body, most people do not believe me, but I can give you a few references, if you wish to know that I am not lying. If I start my period (sorry guys, I know you dont wanna hear this, then dont read it) without cramps, then my period will last anywhere from 40 days-7 months. my 7 month period was in 06, when I got diagnosed with a lotta different things, to this day I am still not sure what all I do have, could possibly have, or dont have. whatever, not the point of this post. If however I get cramps, it will usually happen within a week before I start my period. It will be usually very painful, but obviously livable. But it will go throughout the entire period of usually 7-10 days, which to a lot of people is still a very long period, for me it is a blessing! Even tho I did get cramps for this one, meaning 7-10 day period, it is the fact that it is only a week from my last 3.5 month period. My body did not have any time to recooperate.

So today, I am going to my stepbrothers graduation. He graduated the same time as my little sister. Anyways, I go to the bathroom guess who is here again, so that really upsets me to begin with. Then I totally feel like a 3rd or 5th wheel, because my little sister has Mike, then my stepbrother Mike (2 different mikes) has ashley. They are the ones who I hung out with most of the day, everyone had a partner or even just a friend to hang out with themselves. But this didnt bother me that entirely bad, I am kinda used to not being around the same age as people I am around. In both my families, (mothers side and fathers side) I dont have anyone around my age to hang out with.

I have to admit that I did have a pretty good day other than the cramps, and then we walked up to route 68 to put up balloons, and on the way back down the hill my hip popped outta place. This actually happens often but it hurts real bad, and usually takes like 3-4 days to work itself back in. I have only ever had 1 person be able to put it back in place. So now I have cramps, no energy (from being enemic) and a popped out hip.

I am tired of hearing that I am getting fat, I hate looking at myself in the mirror and seeing how fat I am becomming. I am honestly not eating enough to get fat, it is the medications I am taking. Which is another thing that is ticking me off, they dont seem to be helping much, because my freaking doctor doesnt see a need for me to be on an anti-depressant. He feels that a mood stabilizer should be good enough. Well it isnt working, I think I was better off without the medication, other than I couldnt sleep ever. with this medication, I can sleep, as a matter of fact the problem isnt getting to sleep it is waking up within 10 hours after taking it. I have tried taking lower doses than prescribed for me (which they tell you not to do that) but I had to find out for myself, I get the same effect. So for me, if I know that I have to be awake early the next morning, I do not take my medication and then I stay awake all night. I dont want to depend on a drug to "make me happy, or even let me sleep".

I just feel so totally trapped right now and dont know how to dig myself outta this mess. I am tired of crying to people. I am not looking for sympathy or pity. I just need to let my feelings out, and get it off my chest. and hope that maybe I will feel better. I need to feel something, right now, even though I am so enraged, I am numb. I need to feel something, anything. Unfortunately this is when I usually resort to drinking. I am working real hard at not drinking when feeling depressed like this. Alcohol is a depressant, and especially when I am already depressed, dont think it would help anything, and I dont think I have enough alcohol right now that would actually get the job done, I would just end up getting real sick again. Then feeling more misearable for the next few days.

I think I am going to end this now, before I talk about things I would rather not talk about. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. but I have a feeling I am going to flip tomorrow. because I am going to erie with an ex bf. who wants to get back together with me, and I have NO intentions of getting back with him. it didnt work the first time, I dont know why he thinks it will this time, or maybe he doesnt want a relationship, he just thinks he can get a cheap piece of ass, I am not that way. and I am gonna flip if he tries to touch me again. I dont mind being friends even after he broke up with valentines day, but friends dont get benefits!!!!

I think there is a sign on my forehead or maybe my back cuz I cant see it, but apparently there is something that says that I am easy or whatever, because my entire life I have been taken advantage of or used. I am NOT gonna let it happen anymore. I am just gonna freak or explode.

Goodnight

This is what you should do

I chose this topic tonight, because I have been hearing it a LOT as of lately. What you should do, or what shouldnt you do. I get them a lot, both. I find it quite funny that everyone always has their own issues, but they always know what would make your life easier.

I will give you an example:
You should give up the internet, and get a real life... I admit this may need a little work, maybe I should spend less time on the internet, but give up the internet, it is like asking me to cut out my heart, because I have so many friends that I care about, and who in return care for me. And also, aren't you supposed to do what makes you happiest in life (so long as it isnt endangering anyone else's life)?

Another example:
You should get a job. Yes, I am working on that right now, It might help my outlook on life, bringin in some money, being able to contribute more than I am now around the house. But one thing that a lot of people dont seem to understand, that this country is so messed up right now. Let me explain... I am getting county assistance, through the government, to help me with my medical expenses. I am not physically, or mentally able to handle a full time job in order to recieve medical benefits. In order to keep my benefits through the county, I can not make X amount of money or work X amount of hours. And trust me, they are not very high allowances. So I am better off right now, trying to get healthy, build up my immune system, and work through my few issues, and then when I am fully recooped going and looking for a part time job to start with.

I think honestly though, that people are trying to motivate me to do better for myself. Which I greatly appreciate, but for myself, at least at this time, it only makes it worse for me. When people tell me what I should or shouldnt be doing and I am not very able to achieve what everyone thinks I ought to be doing, it makes me extremely more depressed, and not care even more.

I am the type of person, and I am not sure why, but I have been this way for as long as I can remember. The more that you push me to do something or nag me about doing something, the less likely I am to get it done, on your terms. Maybe it is a little bit of rebellion. I will give you a perfect example: When I used to live with Bob, when I lived in Erie, he would ask me to do the dishes. I really dont like doing them at all, but we would get into fight after fight about this issue. I used to tell him all the time, leave me alone and I will get them done. So when he would back off about it, I would usually get in a mood to do them, then as soon as he would get on my case again, I would back off again. This happens to me often. I do not like to be told what to do, or be bugged about things often, it doesnt make me work faster, it makes me say when I am ready I will do it, on MY terms not yours.

One thing that has been bothering me, is my mother, not that SHE bothers me, it is that my family feel that I need to take care of my mother. I admit that I want to help my mother and would never want to leave her in her time of need. but come on people, how can I help my mother if I cant even help myself at this point. also, as much as I love my mother, she does need to learn how to stand on her own 2 feet, just like anyone else. My mother has always had someone to help her, her parents and then went right from home to being married to my father. Now for the first time in 40 some years she is more alone than in her entire life. now her children are growing up, the youngest is now an adult and going to be going to school. Her oldest is married and has 2 children and 1 on the way. and her middle child (me) is "just sitting at home on the internet doing nothing" I try to help out as much as I possibly can, physically, and I try my hardest to be an emotional crutch for my mother, which isnt always the easiest thing in the world, (for those that know me I am a depressant, multiply that times like 3 and that is my mother).

She never looks at the good things that happen, and when she does look at the good it is always in the context of "well things are going good right now, whats gonna happen bad now? it cant last, somethings gotta go wrong" It is very hard sometimes to be positive and happy (even on happy pills) when I am around my mother all the time. Please do not get me wrong, I love my mother with all my heart, I never want to loose her, and I know one day I will, and that day will be very traumatic and depressing for me. I dread the day I loose my mother, because even through her depressiveness, she is my hero. I know what she has been through, and she is trying to push through, and she would give the shirt off her back for anyone, always giving you MORE than fair chances. She would never do anything to hurt anyone, but has been hurt very deeply and badly in the past.

But I am having a huge battle within myself. A huge part of me feels that I will spend the rest of my life together, like Miss Kitty and Joyce (old neighbors who are mother and daughter lived together forever, never away from eachother). Part of me is comforted by this, because I know that no one could love me more than my mother. But another part of me, wants to move on, get married, have children if God wills it. Which brings up another point to my attention.

I am tired of trying to meet people online mostly (the only way I meet anyone now a days cuz Im a "looser") who down me because I do live with my mother at the age of 22. What is so wrong with that, I am not married, I dont even have a significant other anymore. In the old days, children stayed with their parents until they got married anyways, or moved off to college, which I did, and finished, thank you very much. Now I am back home, and it is like I am a huge looser for living at home with parents and not on my own. I did for 3 years when I lived in Erie. And other than when I had my bf move in with me, I wouldnt have been able to do it alone anyways.

Okay sorry for that side trip, but I thought of something else, which was all that stuff up there^^

I love this one, people will tell me I need to open up, talk more about my feelings... so when I do, I get told to shut up or not to feel that way.. now I ask this, who has the right to tell anyone how they should feel, or why they should or shouldnt feel that way? I do not possess that right, nor do I feel anyone else does. Either that or I will get this one, "you need to care about yourself, worry about yourself, dont care about what others think" okay fine, but then why when you start to do that, you are called selfish???

I had an interesting night tonight, and it made me realize a few things:
1.) I talk too much- I was at an old friends house whom I havent seen since new years, and so I felt the need to update her on my craziness life. I got quite a few comments that I *always* have a story, or that I am *always* talking. It kind of hurt in a way, because why then do they ask what is new with you, if they really dont care to hear it anyways? I guess maybe I just need to find a happy medium or figure out, okay talk about this, dont talk about that, dont go into that much detail they dont really care anyways, or this needs a little too much detail, oh wait, shouldnt have talked about that, and the whole time you are thinking about this, you are not enjoying your visit.

2.) Times change- This friend is actually my best friends mother. I have had this friend since preschool. Her mother became my mother as well, have called her mommy for years! Well since her oldest daughter is now married, and lives in Erie, with her husband and his son. And my best friend of many many years now resides in Alaska, yeah not a trip up the road. And really doesnt have any intentions on moving back only visits for christmas now. It is very hard to feel like part of this family anymore. I still love them very much, but times change, people change. I definately have changed since high school. my other friend and I who are also best friends since like 8th grade. She was giving me a ride home and we discuss this quite often as a matter of fact. how much things have changed. But I guess we cant live in the past, as I am working hard to try not to do that as much, sometimes it is hard tho.

Well I guess I am sort of at a writer's block, I cant think of anything else that might go with this post, so until I think of another topic, I will sign off. oh, and I May or may not post some of my old poetry that I used to write. not sure tho, it is a little more dark than light and fluffy. ah well, til next time, take care

Donna~